Monday, November 14, 2016

all our blurs

"I have no photograph of her that’s any good. I cannot even see her face distinctly in my imagination, Yet the odd face of some stranger seen in a crowd this morning may come before me in vivid perfection the moment I close my eyes tonight. No doubt, the explanation is simple enough. We have seen the faces of those we know best so variously, from so many angles, in so many lights, with so many expressions–waking, sleeping, laughing, crying, eating, talking, thinking–that all the impressions crowd into our memory together and cancel out into a mere blur.” CS Lewis, A Grief Observed  
My little sister and I discussed it yesterday- the further we get from his death, the more personalized our grief becomes.  What Dad was to me was different than he was to her than he was to Mom, etc. And Mom's right, he would be a lot older now and not the same as he is in our memory.  But that memory is still there and it's still as salient as ever and I can still hear his voice and I still get choked up thinking about how much he would have enjoyed these grandchildren of his.  Oh, how we miss him. It's his birthday today and had he not died in that accident 14 years ago, he would be 70 years old today.

the Syrup Festival in Henderson, TX

she was our Henderson hostess and it was so fun

treasure hunt on the farm complete with maps and compasses and teams

isn't she just lovely?

it was a GORGEOUS day in East Texas 

I used to pick wildflower bouquets like this when I was little at my grandparents farm so I just had the best time

And here's my step-father with 1 of his 2 granddaughters and his nine step grandkids.  Stepping families are hard and I feel sorry for him on a few levels because we all miss Dad and how can he begin to "step" into those shoes?  Of course he can't.  I'm sure he doesn't want or expect to.  But it's hard on those of us who miss our Daddy to forge a new relationship with our mom's new husband. 

But I also feel so glad for Buck at the same time, this man who knows grief better than I do, having lost one of his two sons and his wife so tragically. Maybe all the newer life periodically injected into his quieter life- maybe that helps on some levels.  

We all have a blur of a memory of someone we've loved and lost, but maybe the holding on to one another and the forging ahead and the pressing on and the gratitude for the past and the hope for the future- maybe that can help us all.  Not that we'll ever fully be free of the visceral flutter of grief pain in our hearts and stomachs until the age to come, but all of it is a balm for now, the gratitude for life today soothing the ache and strengthening our resolve to live out our days with grace and love for each other because it's all so very brief anyway.

Just my thoughts and my own grief observed today.

And thanks be to God for the beauty of our East Texas weekend together.  

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